Thursday, March 10, 2016

Motherfucking Adderal

One month ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD (or maybe just ADD) and have been prescribed Adderal. I'm 30. Hearing the doctor read off the symptoms checklist was honestly a little shocking in how fully it applied to me. I was prescribed "old school" quick-release 10mg pills and told to take them 'as needed', up to two pills, two times a day, with the effects typically being felt for 4-6 hours. This is my first experience with more 'hardcore' medication, and man oh man, it certainly makes a difference.

I've heard that people with ADHD commonly feel "calmed" by the Adderal. I'm not sure if that's the intended effect, but that's not what it does to me. I basically feel like I have the best coffee high ever. If I haven't had coffee for a long time, then have a good brew - or if I've been drinking shit coffee then have a venti Starbucks - THAT'S how I feel. I feel (way) more talkative. I can get on cleaning benders that make me feel like a tweaker. I feel more articulate, with the words coming more fluidly, and my vocabulary more accessible. I'm more productive at work and at home. It feels good. It's fun. I like it. I want more. And that is scary.

I've heard Adderal can be addicting. I'm seriously trying to be cautious, and keep that in check, by taking regular breaks (taking it on workdays, but not on weekends), and having either no pill or one pill on easy days, two to four on harder days (where I know I'll be working longer hours and be more physically active)). Part of me wonders: if it's not having a calming effect on me, does that mean I don't have ADD/ADHD? And if not, then should I be taking it? The other part of me feels like it's helping, and that's enough for me to want to continue use - at least for now.

The Burning In My Gut

There's been this little acidic fire in my tummy for over a week now. I wouldn't necessarily describe the sensation as painful, per se, but it is definitely unpleasant and it is always there. It feels much like I ate too many jalapeno peppers, only it never goes away.

Also, frankly, I'm not shitting very much. This makes me think it could be constipation, but I've never dealt with that before. I don't fully know what "constipation" truly entails. I always thought it just meant you couldn't take a poo, not that it also comes with a sensation.

I'm a little freaked out, because I've never had anything like this before. My mom called yesterday, and we talked about it, and she told me that my Uncle had an intestinal blockage that required surgery. My wife says that if it's a surgery; if it requires anesthesia, then it will always come with risks. Like, there's a super low chance that I could DIE. So she said maybe my Mom should come down and say her goodbyes, "Just in case?". What the fuck? Am I making something big out of nothing? Am I being a hypochondriac?

Well, I'm going to make a follow up appointment ASAP, since it's been 9 days now - and maybe end up getting a CT scan (which, thank god, is fully covered by my wife's awesome insurance). Wish me luck, send me vibes, pray for me, whatever. I'm suddenly feeling a lot worse. Bye for now.

UPDATE: Temperature was a little low, at 95.5, but the doctor and nurse felt that was completely within tolerable limits. I had blood drawn, my abdomen x-rayed, and was given over the counter generic Prilosec. Will know results tomorrow.


Sometimes, I just want to write. I'll be reading a book, or swept up in a sense of nostalgia brought on by a game or movie, and I'll have the impulse to 'WRITE'. But when it comes down to actually doing it, I can feel stifled by feeling under-inspired, or negative self-talk that doubts whether or not I actually have anything original, intelligent or worthwhile to say. Yet the craving to write will still be there, or it reemerges some time later.

I've thought an anonymous blog would be ideal for my intentions. Anonymous, because I wanted to write whatever I damn well pleased, without fear of offending anyone, being judged, or having concern over whether or not I was boring my reader. Another option, posting on Facebook, felt too much like a plea for attention (I do have this negative association with Facebook, where it feels like people are all about "Me, me, me!" "Look at how awesome I am!" "Look at all the amazing things I do, places I go, how much people love me, how many friends I have, etc, etc, etc"), and like I said, I do not necessarily think that whatever I may want to write about would be worth other people's time to read, and to put it on Facebook, I feel, would be a slight imposition on the people who truly care about me and are interested in my life and thoughts. I want to be able to ramble, to write shitty poetry, to make grammatical mistakes, and to write about what interests ME. I want to write for myself.

Blogger isn't a perfect fit, but I'm going to stick with it. If I made a brand-new "anonymous" blog, it would still be linked to my account. However, I can't be arsed to learn a new site, or create a new account. Finally, I decided that it doesn't matter. I should be able to speak my mind, and it's up to other people whether or not they want to read what I write. If they don't like it, fine. If it's bad, oh well. Life is short, nobody knows what it's really all about. We are biological machines who are, cosmically speaking, unimaginably insignificant. So, damnit, I'm just going to write - right here.